Have you ever seen an ugly orca?

Andrew explains that nutrition does not exist.

When I shop at Costco I am treated to an endless parade of noodle-armed men and hefty women buying "Muscle Milk" protein powder, "Weight Watchers" shakes, and even now, seawood block snacks. I used to take protein powder, when I was a sucker, and a teenager. And I could see drinking a weight control shake, if it were not made entirely of corn products and had less than 1000 ingredients. Or if it worked, but you would think all these people would notice after a bit that their expensive products were not working. As for seaweed, I am quite willing to believe in its healthful properties- for porpoises. If you are a narwhal, then by all means, gobble up seaweed as fast as you can, or if you are Japanese and eating seaweed because your country lacks space for farmland and it is tradition, go nuts. But if you are a puny or a doughy American, then why not eat things you like instead?

Mostly, I have decided nutrition is silly. For one, what do we need all this nutrition for? Olympic athletes should watch every bite, but you can probably keep up with your nonsensical noise of instant unfiltered newsvertising, and your hectic schedule of driving anytime you need to travel more than 70 feet, with a less than optimum diet. The trouble with nutrition is its an industry (what isn't anymore). And you don't move products with proclamations like: "Vitamin C still good for you. Stay the course." So I end up with a roomate who has seaweed blocks he will never eat, edamame taking up half our freezer that he does not eat, and 72 large cans of coconut water, which Doctor Oz told him can maintain fluid balance and hydration. How one gets so dehydrated watching TV all day every day, I don't know. I had never even heard of such a thing as Coconut Water. It sounds like a waste product to me. As in, "hey the runoff from our coconut plantation was just re-classified as pollution, so we can't let it drain into the bay anymore without paying a fine- do you think we can sell it to fat Americans with eating disorders?" "Hmm, I don't know... Call Doctor Oz, and ask!"

Doctor Oz is hard to interpret. I mean this: Does coconut water show up in stores 1 week after Doctor Oz mentions it because fat women and my roomate have unhealthy crushes on him and would jump off a bridge if he said to without thinking? So stores instantly seek out suppliers to snare their share of the loot? Or does Doctor Oz mention coconut water because the industry paid him to as an in-show advertising spot, which is what savvy firms are doing now (I think) because people don't even notice ads anymore they are so prevalent (its like noticing a leaf in the forest as opposed to leaves) and trust the content of shows. That is after all the traditional deal. The station offers you something you want which is (rarely) good, in exchange for making you watch things you don't want which are bad in small doses (ever larger). But there is nothing holy to that. So I don't trust these daytime shows. Any spot they do is probably paid for by the featured product/person. When Doctor Oz talks strawberries at the beginning of their "in" season, is this because his programmer planned out the year in a logical order, or because California phoned with their credit card number ready?

As for coconut water and seaweed- well its a wonder, they are so healthful- that the human species scraped along long enough without access to them on North America to invent and perfect intercontinental oceanic shipping that allows us to get our miracle tropical products. My roomie is also a big believer in coconut oil as a replacement for butter when frying foods. I finally put it together why my eggs periodically scorch instantly on bottom long before they are cooked- no I'm not an idiot, which had been my working hypothesis- his coconut oil residue does not come off with one washing, and is not intended, despite what the jar or Doctor Oz say, to be used to fry eggs with. So now I have to wash my pan before and after I cook with it, or I get black eggs. But at least my roomate is getting slightly more nutritious eggs than I am. Just imagine how many more miles I could hike with ease than him than I already can if I would just stop eating all the things he tells me are no good for me. And then I wouldn't get sick for 4 hours per year, as opposed to the 25 days he was sick in a row this winter. All that time we breathed the same air and he coughed and sniffled and moaned seeking sympathy (if you want someone to care you have a fever, get a girlfriend/boyfriend- not a roomate- that's my tip of the week), and not once did he stop looking at me like a fool for eating butter on my toast, or make the connection that he was the sick one and I never caught it. He's just waiting for me to drop dead someday mid-motion while spreading with the knife, and thinks I'm a real cow for weighing more than him. Then again, my girlfriend weighs more than him too. Muscle weighs more than fat, and a lot more than hot air, which is what he mostly is composed of.

Another adorable trait I love and discussed with Camila and my friend William jestingly years back is how if you put a proper noun before any food term, it will sell faster, and for twice as much. Madagascan Vanilla. Black Forest Ham. Greek Yogurt. Do you know what makes Greek yogurt Greek? Well in Greece, it is goat milk yogurt, not sweetened. That is about the only difference. In America, where Greek Yogurt, thanks to that demon saint Doctor Oz, is big business now, there is no difference. It is cow milk yogurt sweetened with fruit and sucrose. Yet people have to have it. After all, Doctor Oz says Greek yogurt is healthier (because it is not sweetened and has less sugar) so it must be.

Variety too is a fraud. I have slowly worked past this chimera, and it is the last one that held me. We are trained we must get different grains, vegetables, and so on. Well, do you know what the nutritional difference between barley and oats is? On a long enough time line, barley is slightly better for you. So over 40 years, say eaten 1 bowl per day, barleymeal would provide you with say an extra pound of muscle and 8 oz less bodyfat. But for that, you would have paid 4 times as much money per bowl. And day to day, there is no difference. None at all. Not one significant anyway. The Irish did quite well on potatoes and milk with ham once a year. The only flaw with their plan is they uniformly decided one sort of potato was best. The Scots did just fine on oats and milk. There were athletes into the 1940s who ate nothing but red meat and beer. My rule of thumb has become: eat 5 things daily. Preferably, foods. As in, not a tube of icing- that does not count on your 5. But spinach is 1, potato, 2, yogurt, 3, and so on. 5 per day is plenty of variety. Forget the 9 grain bread. Getting 2 grams each of 9 grains is not going to make a difference from 9 grams each of 2 grains. With fruits and vegetables, the story changes, and you may want to use more varieties, and variety. Try new colors of potatoes, mix in some radishes, buy an heirloom tomato rather than a Roma. But don't go crazy.

Of course you can't sell any of these ideas. Or you can, but only once. It never ceases to amaze and terrify me that people can actually exist on a level where they are influenced by advertisements and trends. They hear about coconut water, and take it for granted for some reason than a television entertainer is only on television out of the goodness of his heart for their benefit, because he seems so nice. It can't be his fat salary, and he would never say anything just to fill up a show or because he was paid to or the last poll showed he was a little too conventional. But I've never been able to sell anything to anyone about nutrition. All my friends have ever wanted is confirmation. They are nodding as they ask you, "I should do blank, right?" Nodding to let me know what the answer should be, so I don't embarress myself. Its like having a softball lobbed at you when you're a kid.

Here is another rule of thumb: your grandpa probably could have kicked your butt at the same age you are now, or at any age you will ever be- so if he never ate it, you don't need it. Maybe, you should try to be more like your ancestors who were tougher and fitter, and less like weenies who are doing everything right according to a textbook or a scientist, who is also a weenie. As reader Tom reminded me once, many cultures just eat what they feel like. For tradition, or pleasure, or any other reason, other than nutrition. And I think that pleasure can be nutritious. Maybe more than nutrients can. That is, you're probably better off eating lettuce and liking it, than spinach, because it has more Vitamin A, and hating it. You get a chemical response to food and that has to be accounted for in any accurate nutritional system. There remains a lot we cannot measure. Vegetables were dissed in the early 20th century as empty, because they had few calories. That was the rule for a lot of years. Baby formula was going to be better than mother's milk. What audacity it is to say really. I don't know how any person can be religious and think they can outdo "God"/"Nature"- same thing, just one has a face that is more easily marketable, or any woman can be religious and use baby formula under any terms...but that is an opinion. But the fact is, formula is not better. It never will be, I expect. In a microscope, and a bomb calorimeter, it tests and shows that it should be better. In a baby, it isn't. Seaweed might help whales look trim even when 50% of their body mass is blubber, but that doesn't make it better for you than a bag of peanuts if you like peanuts.

And now for a new subject: in my last post, where I suggested you all type the phone book, my friend Maried Marie who is quitting next week (probably) added that you will need to sit in the most uncomfortable chair you can find, and cover your keyboard with grime first, and preferably use one where at least one key sticks and is hard to press down, and also, have someone sneak up behind you and say things every few minutes to simulate all the announcements we get over an intercom, and have a partner screw with the thermostat to make it 80 degrees for 5 minutes and then to kick on the AC to simulate the strange fan system in our building. Then you'll have the idea.

The best story from the book "How Carrots Won the Trojan War" by Rebecca Rupp was one I came across today. A true delight. The tomato is a fruit, botanically, but so are most vegetables- as pointed out by the Supreme Court, when they ruled on the status of tomatoes (vegetables paid a tariff and fruits did not), in 1896. So they decided that vegetables were simply a vernacular term used by the people to signify garden produce eaten with the meal rather than after, as dessert, as fruit was eaten, at that time. The man who had refused to pay a tariff on his tomato shipment, owned up that this was quite well spoken and reasonable and paid. Of course, his other option was to go to jail, so perhaps he still disagreed. Anyway, the tomato is a legal vegetable, and always will be. Not explained is why the United States had a tariff only on vegetables. I would presume it was because some fruits which could not be grown in America were wanted, but that vegetables, which could and can be grown locally, should be. So tomatoes had a tariff on imports, because they grow just fine everywhere and why support Spain's farmers and not our own? And risk bringing bugs in and fungi? Smart people, our ancestors. And they didn't even have a reliable supply of coconut water.

Read More...

Summary only...

I can't rememer any of the clever titles I came up with weeks ago

Recipes from Butternut Squash Days.

On March 1 I realized I still had 4 farmer's market butternut squashes. How many did I buy in September you ask? Well, 4. Though I am rounding. I do not really like butternut squashes. But I know I should. And I have had some great soups in organic markets (also bell pepper bisque! Need to try making that soon, when Butternut Squash Days ends soon). So I vowed to learn this winter how to properly prepare these little healthy as can be fruits, and then put off doing it until I ate everything else and became afraid they were going bad. I ran out of local potatoes on January 2. Next year I will need to stock up more. Though potatoes are one vegetable I am not waiting on. Fresh tomatoes? The very words make my mouth water (only 1 since August and that one made me sick as a dog who got into the chocolate patch out in Illinois, you will recall), and I am craving sweet corn, and snap peas, and well, about everything. Berries! That was the whole point. I think it does a soul no good to a) never get what it wants, or b) always get what it wants.

So, I prepared a decent butternut squash soup and think I have identified my error in 3 straight winters: cloves. I do not like cloves, but they cost so much, I keep using them as a gourmet spice. I have now decided cloves are antagonists to butternut squashes. Next I tried a chili, fearing it even as it smelled delicious and even as I tasted it. And it was...delicious. Very pleased and am making it again this week with my last squash. Also, it may be the only chili I ever make again, and was very filling. Even meat obsessives I know agreed (the kind of people who apologize shamefully when they serve a meal without meat) Another good recipe is curried lentils and butternut squash chunks. Both recipes are included below:

Butternut Squash Chili

Peel your squash and then dice up into large 3/4 inch or so chunks. Boil with some Anasazi beans or any other dried beans you desire for 1 hour or so. Then add: 1 can diced tomatoes (or fresh if available), 1 can pinto beans, 1 can butter beans, 1 can black beans, 1 can kidney beans, 1/2 small can tomato paste, 1/3 bell pepper diced, 1/2 jalapeno diced, 1/2 anaheim pepper diced, ground white pepper, touch of black pepper, 1/8 cup or less brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, black olives, corn kernels (1/8 cup or so), olive oil, touch of red wine vinegar, 1 clove garlic minced, 1/4 cup dry quinoa. Simmer for 45 minutes to 1 more hour, until quinoa has burst open.

Curried Lentils And More

Wash and boil 2 cups lentils with 1 peeled and diced butternut squash about 45 minutes, then add 1 cup blackeyed peas (if frozen; if canned or precooked then add later so they do not dissolve into mash) and go another 45 minutes at a simmer. Add 1/2 cup kidney beans (from can; if using dried, then start with the lentils and squash), and mix in red curry paste to taste. 2 teaspoons may do it. I think I used 4 and it was pretty spicy. Top with cashews when serving. This last touch adds fat to the meal you will want to stay full and also really puts the flavor over the top. If you add while cooking they will get soggy.

So good luck with those. My goal was to use all my squashes by April 1, and I will nearly get there. I also had to work through acorn squashes, which I always simply roast cut in half, as their own bowls, with butter, brown sugar, raisins, cinnamon, nutmeg, and so on. And I want to try a sweet potato pudding recipe from the old pioneer days which sounds delcious: equal parts sweet potato and sugar (I will amend that quite a bit), mixed with cream and butter. With those recipes I think next winter will go splendid. Who will need summer fruits?

Bell peppers and potatoes I cannot part with though. Actually, I have decided that my steady intake of bell peppers, 5 kinds of potatoes, and fresh home-made yogurt are what keep me healthy. Bell peppers as the mildest pepper actually offer the most nutrients and vitamin C, though I did learn you cannot dry them, or much of this is lost. And potatoes have loads of vitamin C and nutrients too. I cannot reccommend a yogurt maker enough. Mine is Miracle brand, and is quite simply a marvelous contraption once one gets the hang of it. I get perfect yogurt nearly every batch now, delicious and far superior to any single brand. I have 7 cultures in there. Most store brands, even good organic ones, offer 4 at most. And I paid $39 for my machine and have not paid for yogurt in 3 years. I eat it at least 3 times per week. A culture can be frozen while out of town with no harm to it (proved this for myself during the Arizona run) or its productivity, and I recycle my paper quart milk containers and refill them with gallon milk, so it costs me about 50 cents to produce a quart of yogurt. So I save approximately 1.75 per week. The device takes up very little counter space and need only be plugged in. There are no gizmos or buttons or settings.

While here, I do not think I ever mentioned that my roomate borrowed his sister's Excalibur extra jumbo super deluxe drier for his last batch (18 pounds) of banana chips. She must have shamed him about eating so many grams of pure sugar because he has not borrowed it again. The machine held 3 times as many banana slices as mine, but was approximately the size of a dishwasher. It took longer to dry, though it let escape less heat. So in summer, it would probably work better. It runs quieter than the Nesco, but all in all, is probably not worth an extra $130, though for its size, it is a better choice for larger families. Still, I think if one is going to go big, just order a $399 Commercial Grade stainless steel dehydrator from Cabela's. I will keep my Nesco. Have not dried anything in 2 months and won't probably until June. May try some fish and jerky.

If you get the chance, buy Dutch Masterpiece Rembrandt Gouda. It is spectacular. I found it at 67% off and am now perhaps hooked on it. Soon I will be repeating cheeses. I have now gone through every major variety in Utah. No small feat. They are more often satisfying than beers. Lemon zest white stilton is surprisingly sweet and delicious. And without sugar, a preferable alternative to lemon pudding or lemon curd. There is a little strange chewiness to the crumbly cheese from the zest, but that becomes an afterthought quick enough. If there is a fruit that can corrupt a white stilton, I don't know of it. DaVinci cheese is another fine product; full of olives, spices, and meditteranean goodness. Contrarily, the Red Dragon failed to slay me. A cheese stuffed with mustard and peppercorns, it was too strong and too strange for me. It tasted like a pastrami sandwhich in a bad deli- that is, all mustard and no cheese. I have had a bit of a bad run with cheeses really. Several in a row were unremarkable.

As for books, well briefly as promised, I will tell you of Samuel Pepys. He eats a lot, and his diary is interesting periodically. For instance where he whines for sympathy about his wrist so sore he can barely write. Why is it sore? Why from beating the chamberboy until the switch broke and his wrist near fell off of course. Not that it did the little hellian any good. Pepys is sure he practically enjoyed his hiding out of sheer malignancy. And also, he has a lot of affairs. And he sometimes needs consolation from friends for beating his wife so bad he fears her looks will suffer for it and other men will think less of him for having an ugly wife.

A better book is the Essays of Montaigne, often simply for their folklore. Girls who play hopscotch too aggressively are in danger of shaking loose their inner boy parts which will fall out of their mmhmmhummhuh, and then they will be boys. Its science. But he is a good man for his age, one of consideration, balance, merit, and intelligence. Always witty and entertaining, he is said to have invented the essay because he did not like any of the more stylized and formal rhetorical forms.

Better still is the exquisite, and adorable "How Carrots Won the Trojan War" a book I have been milking for fear of the day when I finish it, for now several months. The introduction is if not plagarism from Micheal Polin, than clearly influenced by him, but no matter. The meat of the book is fine stuff. While the title story is silly and pretty much just a sentence (and who would call a sentence a story: other than Hemingway's famous and incredible 6 word short story- look it up), but the book mixes science with anecdote, humor, history, and everything else. Learn how peas nearly swung world history in 1775, and how growers produce massive pumpkins, what vegetables Jefferson the president was taunted over by his neighbor, which vegetables were considered aphrodisiacs and fed to French kings by their mistresses (hint: remember that for a long time medicine trusted in similarity as remedy) and get this sort of satirical but also doting quotation: (on a cucumber brine) "According to the Athenians, consumption of it explained the Spartans' legendary bravery in battle; black broth was so awful anyone compelled to eat it was willing to die." and "Whatever one's personal opinion of the potato, almost everyone agreed that it was a good idea to feed them to somebody else." Highly recommended, and with cute illustrations.

Read More...

Summary only...

If I had a band I would name it The Venetian Deafs

Andrew vows in another long post not to write such long posts.

You know, every once in a great while, in this jaded world of ours, even for a cynic like myself, a world weary one who has seen everything, done it all, been everywhere, and eaten it if it moves or casts a shadow, a truly special brew comes along, and as those first suds touch tip of tongue, you think: Here! Here is my inspiration I have been waiting for for months...to publish that long promised list of the worst beers in the world.

So congratulations Buffalo Bill's Brewery, and especially to your Blueberry Oatmeal Stout. For thinness of body, it gets my Biggest Loser TV Reference award that may be outdated- who knows if that show is still popular or even on the air- not me, but it was the last time I watched TV. For rancidity, you eclipse even the atrocious and popular Fat Tire red ale. For your dull label of 3 crudely drawn blueberries (I think) you earn the nihilism in advertising trophy, fondly dubbed in the biz as "The Stephen", in honor of Stephen Spielberg, who after a great run capped by Schindler's List and Jurassic Park, clearly went into retirement and started having his junior interns direct his pictures- no one believes me on that. I have run into Buffalo Bill's Brewery before, and they are a sad legacy for the man who brought flim flam to the yokels of the crummiest towns in America that spectacles had skipped forever before. So I have no one to blame except myself. That beer was in a discount bin for a reason. Fat Tire's 2 Below still remains highly decried as my 2nd worst beer ever. I swallowed 2 gulps of that one before relenting, but the Blueberry Oatmeal Stout, which could have been urine and ammonia cleaning solution by mistake, did not even get one sip. I nearly dumped it out just from whiffing the bottle after popping the cap.

The beer store snobs, or "Brewies" made fun of some of my other choices. Dogfish Head has long been one of my, and everyone's favorite beers, but both the owner and a worker sneered at my selections and degraded the brewer. I think this is to seem more knowledgeable than everyone else. You get the same thing when people start to say an opinion like, sure I know everyone says Stephen Spielberg is great but...oh wait, um, nevermind. But perhaps a better example is how I would never climb Mount Denali, because it is always crawling with tourists who do not belong there. Sure its a fine mountain, but the tourists...I recently explained to a work friend why I had nicknamed a female "Horsey Denali". I will leave you to extrapolate. Well, they only would say that my "Around the World Stout" was a pretty decent Dogfish beer- the only one they themselves actually enjoyed. What salesmen! I should here interject that this stout was $11.99 for a pint bottle, making it by $3, the most expensive beer I had ever bought, edging out Dogfish's "Raison D'Etre", a cleverly named green raisin brew with 12% alcohol or so by volume. One of my favorites, and if you would believe it- one I bought twice at that price. "Around the World Stout" is another limited edition, with 18% alcohol by volume- fermented extra creatively in oak casks like a good wine. The owner told me to savor it slowly to appreciate all the flavors, as if a man willing to pay $12 for a single bottle when 24 packs of trash beer at a grocery store cost less, would need instructions on how to enjoy beer. Now, maybe it was the 18% alcohol on an empty stomach while camping illegally in a non-designated area of a protected desert wilderness known for occassional serial killings, or maybe it was the 18% alcohol after hiking all day in 80 degree F sun, getting dehydrated, and hearing footsteps approach my tent in the darkness but no one responding when I called out, "yeah? Who's there" while reaching for my 13 inch bowie knife, but this was actually a special and delicious beer. Though not one I think I would pay $12 for again. Some experiences you only need once. But getting loaded in the desert all alone did make me feel like an Indian on a peyote spirit quest, and conjured those days in college when I fell asleep on an anthill after falling down trying to pee in the crowded backyard of a roaring party my friends were hosting and serving delicious brownies at...ah memories.

So this was all in Arizona of course. I also got Petrus, which had a changed label and is now only aged for 20 months rather than 36. Not as good as I remember. Nor was Vanilla Porter by Breckenridge. A rather insipid little brew, and one I overpaid for. Why not just buy porter here and add a touch of vanilla? Could not get Old Engine Oil Special Reserve Triple Stout as the store was out. But while digging for me among very dusty bottles probably untouched since I moved to Utah, the owner seemed impressed. Until, you know, he started making fun of me for liking a beer everyone agrees is good. Well its our headline world that does it. You know what makes for bad stories: This just is: Everything We Declared Yesterday is Still True! What I also learned in Arizona, is that nothing is as good as you remember it. I was actually starting to miss Arizona. I was thinking back to how happy I was there, and wondering why I was in Utah. Then I got across the state line...and it was ugly, crowded, and worse than Utah. So good. I think. Eating at Chino Bandido made me proud, as my simulated Chino Bandido food is superior. I think the same thing about my homemade pizzas now actually.

My food system worked well. Actually almost perfectly. I enjoyed the four color dry potato chips though they are a danger to bite because they are so hard they make some sharp slivers. And I got lots of vitamins, variety, and stayed full and healthy. I probably ate better than I do at home, really. And I gained 1 pound, despite hiking near to 100 miles (though mostly flat for once) in about a week's time. So mission accomplished there. Dry oatmeal squares and cheerios are big helps too.

Well, its funny how far we come. Sure I smuggled 17 beers into Utah illegally (prove it any cops reading this- if you try I will say in court that I was lying to sound cool on my blog, and even though I am admitting to this now, I will just say that this was a lie to sound smart too, and get out of it), but drinking them, I have mostly realized beer is not so important to me. I can get 2 of my 5 favorites in Utah and those are the only handful I have ever wanted to drink more than once anyway. Most are mediocre. Like my Watermellon Ale, though I can see why one would drink it in hot weather- if the only watermellon in sight was already ruined by being turned into ale. And at the grocery tonight, I was trying to convince myself to buy some freezer crap to help me keep weight on while I try to finish up with applying to a pile of craft fairs, some of which, apparently- surprised me I promise you- rather than being fun and laid back, are run by fascists. I actually prefer going to work, and going to work is something I described to a friend today as "driving to a nightmare, not only having to live out a nightmare, but willingly driving to it." Which is actually what my family raised me for: to accept meager pay in exchange for being tortured. What a world we've made. I blame everyone but me. Well, anyway, while trying to think of some pre-prepared foods I could stomach after learning how to fend for myself, I remembered such things with real surprise, like "oh yeah macaroni and cheese, I remember that!" And I got confused as to what month it was after running into a cider display. I have not had an apple- even a dried one now that I am protecting my stash for my next 2 trips- in months. And after yesterday being 80 degrees, it was under 30 tonight and lightly snowing, so it felt like it should be autumn now that the air was getting cool...hey it was late at night...and I have to get through the day somehow...

For those wondering what my job entails, I finally invented a good exercise you may run at home. Step 1: Stop stepping over the 34 phone books delivered just last week that you never wanted ever, and bring one inside. Step 2: Pour coffee and grape juice all over it, ruining almost every page. Step 3: Type the addresses in the phone book, skipping over those you can't read, but trying to read them for at least 3 seconds. Step 4: Do this for 55 minutes, then take a 5 minute break. Repeat for 4 cycles. Take a 30 minute lunch break. Do it for 4 more cycles. Do it again the next day, and the next. Do it for 2 weeks, then I will be happy to hear your advice about how long I should keep doing it and why I should never quit and am a very lucky man. Oh yes, don't forget to occasionally type the same address for 15 minutes straight, because my coworkers and I will run into batches of wedding invitations all sent out with a wrong zip code or some problem that make them extra annoying and repetitive. And also, recall that any address you fail to type may be one you get "audited" on- so it could be a fake address sent to trap you by frustrated postal workers higher on the food chain, who then will call you into a degrading dunce style office to tell you that you should have been able to read the address. And also that a phone book would be a lot more diverse than what I see at my job, and have hundreds less mistakes. Like Chicago spelled Shikogow, and I have to spell it wrong because you type what you see, only the system will reject Shikagow and replace it with Chicago anyway, but recall, there are bigger postal fish waiting to eat me if I utilize common sense on their watch. Well, that's all for this week.

Read More...

Summary only...

Halloween 2: Feburary 10 (approximately)

Because you just can't get enough of a good thing. And some other holidays are just too scary.

The missus and I threw a Halloween 2 party for our and mostly my friends. It was our and mostly my idea, because Valentine's Day is silly, a scam, offensive, fraudulent, and way too pink for a man as butch as I am. So we picked a Friday night because I have to work Saturday nights, invited all the people we thought would come and then some we hoped might. Although we forgot about her cousins- darn. And I made it a pot luck so we and mostly I would not have to cook everything. The day before we whipped up a half order (75 cookies) of gingerbread hippos, dinosaurs, and elephants with my cute cutter shapes, then decorated them with sprinkles and Teresa's fine from-scratch frosting. They were cute. Then we put together a spooky haunted house gingerbread kit I bought on clearance in November and tucked away for a rainy day because you never know when a Halloween might attack you suddenly- just look how many sequels there are by that very name.

For our dinner contribution, I made my famous Chinese slow pork which normally goes on tostadas or fresh-fried tortillas from scratch, but was just a stand alone. Chinese aromatic spices, brown sugar and green diced chiles. It was as usual a big hit and provided left-overs. Goes great in a salad, an omelette, or over pasta or rice. Teresa boiled a box of "Mother In Law's Tongue" pasta I bought at a World Market store- $6.98 a pound- but fun. It was so pricey that I had saved it for 3 years. The best by date was a 2010. Whoops. But it was still fresh. It is dried after all. And a popular hit. Pictured above.

We had 10 total come, and no one else dressed up, but I made them wish they had with my magnificent full-body spandex that only complete confidence can carry off. I told them before changing that I was going to shame them into wishing they were more fun and had worn costumes, despite being so heavily outnumbered. And I did it. Just like I had at work for the 2 day costume contest when I went as hairy, angry, loner with a heart of gold and a high sense of honor, and much baggage of all sorts who has bad dreams, X-Man Wolverine on Day 1 and then a hooded Ninja on day 2 with kitana and the line of my underwear very visible from the tightness of the body suit. And few others dressed up. But I did get a new fake work girlfriend out of it. This one is married with 4 children and has a perfect attitude. She asked me why my friends weren't around much anymore so I said, "well I wasn't going to tell you, and they haven't said anything to me, but they all think we're having an affair and want to be left alone." So she worried for about 5 seconds and then got annoyed for 5 more, then said, "we should egg this on! It'll be fun." With me going on a 2 week vacation we both knew people would really start to talk and wonder so we started inventing stories, and were even finishing one another's sentences: tell everyone I made a pass at you after talking you into carpooling one day...and then I slapped you...yeah!...and you slashed my tires...what a jerk I am!...I know! So you were fired...bummer!...No I'll be the desperate one. I begged you to run away with me...so I used all my vacation time to get away from you and hope it all was better when I came back...that's believable!

Ah good times. She's much better at coping with social attention than my under-aged fake work girlfriend was.

Teresa was a Bandito, though she failed to look menacing with her toy water pistol, tiny guitar that has only one string short enough to pluck and tune (it snapped by the way when she tried to play a one note song), and bright smile. But she pulled off the Guy Fawkes mustache pretty darn sexily, if I dare admit.

Everyone did bring food, good for them. Even if it was mostly all from Walmart. The Twilight Cupcakes were at least in the spirit of the slightly appalled but triumphantly exuberant nature of Halloween 2, which stands boldly in the face of its enemies and such and such. Traditional Halloween 2 decorations can also include a tiny holiday pine tree, preferably fake, and decorated with your favorite ornaments. We put out a big pile of chocolate wrapped in Halloween foil I still had, and still have, and one girl brought a good clam dip and some no bake cookies. Then we watched Looney Tunes mocking Cupids and romance, pitting ducks and bunnies against inferior witches and vampires, and talked pleasantly for 3 hours with a Charlie Chaplin film playing, there when anyone wanted it and in those few moments of awkward silence. The film seemed to confuse most, who did not get that it took place in 1929 so the millionaire was ruined and saved every couple of hours and would change moods accordingly, the flower girl crush was blind and apparently approximately deaf and without any sense of smell, until the final scene, when the whole party stopped and everyone was horrified. Now that is an "anti-Valentine's Halloween 2 movie ending!" I said triumphantly to a few boos and some applause. The other option was "A Brief Encounter" which ends with 2 scenes of the two leads crying after not having an affair because they are already married to good people and have children waiting for them at home. But a silent movie is just more perfectly suited to parties.

Sadly Married Marie from work could not come, as she had to work, along with a lot of my other friends. But a new tradition was started maybe, and it was still better than Valentine's Day.

Read More...

Summary only...

A Few Belated Dishes

Various recent successes.

I whipped up a quick and delicious salsa with grape tomatoes- which I love, though about 1 in 10 is a bomb when you bite it- sour and gross. So: grape tomatoes left whole, diced jalapenos and chunks of orange bell pepper. Onion powder, a handful of fresh cranberries, cilantro, tomato paste, olive oil, brown sugar. Chunky or thin as you like. Its different, colorful, a mix of flavors, and familiar enough.

Made a good "Rancher's Pie" today. Been craving "Shepard's Pie", which originally was done with mutton, but in America now is more common with pot roast or ground beef. I kept the same principle which is to layer mashed potatoes and shredded melted cheese atop a base of beef stew. Mine was slow cooked stew beef shreds and chunks cooked in red zinfindel wine, tomato paste, and a touch of olive oil and ground white pepper, touch of onion powder, little garlic, then cooked atop a bed of no-boil lasagna noodles (Barilla's are excellent), mixed with green beans, kidney beans, corn, peas, fresh organic cauliflower (which has more flavor and is about the same price), then topped with my Patriot Potatoes (red, purple/blue, and yukon gold spuds with butter and a touch of chives and dill), and then shredded cheddar, baked to perfection at 375 for 35 minutes. Not life-changing, but a deluxe version of an old dish. So I named it Rancher's Pie, as a humble shephard would be outclassed. It could use some coffee bean grounds in the slow cooker with the zinfindel. Just a few. Really. And go with what you have and like on vegetables. In summer, I'd have had golden squash and zuccini in there.

My new favorite seasoning blend on fish is to use cajun butter and McCormick citrus rub. The rub has lemon and orange but needs a little more pep. So I use my trusty flavor injector (a syringe the size of a pistol which is always fun to play with and which I got precisely to make use of this butter marinade, which I bought in a quaint gas station that only had bathrooms open to paying customers a few vacations ago when my girl really really needed one. So I bought this for $8 and hated it- until mixing it with the fruity rub. I have used this blend on salmon and halibut, and someday soon, catfish. Three lucky people heartily approved. Teresa said it smelled good- for fish- which is the first word she's ever had to say about fish other than eeeeewwww, and she even ate a bite. Her opinion then was eewww, but with a lot less emphasis and eeees.

As for that dehydrator: I still enjoy it, though it is really a harvest tool. But with a two week vacation coming, I dried a celery stalk, a carrot disced, 6 potatoes of 4 colors (red, purple, yukon gold, and sweet) into natural unflavored chips, some kiwis, green beans, a bell pepper, and more of my already stated samples. The carrots and kiwi stay gummy, but are very flavorful. The kiwi is so sour it makes me wince and I cannot keep my eyes open- so this is another in the file of preserved trail mix foods that are sugared or dyed to make them more appetizing in stores. However, I love them anyway. Its like a sour candy slice. The potatoes dry very crunchy and with a touch of oil while hot and any seasonings, would be better than potato chips. Sweet potatoes dry more slowly, stay softer, are harder to slice thin anyway, but are my favorite. So delicious. Green beans and bell peppers shrivel to very crisp stalks and are almost unrecognizable with little volume. They are not preferred drying foods, though they do for travel, and the flavor is still there, mostly, though a little altered. I have not tested them for re-hydration yet. Potatoes should be blanced in a rolling boil before drying, for around 5 minutes to preserve color. I left their skins on. All of this will make for welcome variety on a trip of 12-14 days I am going on. Some weather means I will have to cut dirt road driving I intended out, thus I will not be doing a few hikes I was excited about, though I will be in Arizona and doing what I like and getting a nice little rest from work and the rut. I put together a wild trail mix of dried raspberries, blueberries, cherries, blackberries, craisins, coconut, papaya, pineapple chunks, banana chips, pecans, almonds, walnuts, kiwi, and seeds along with the typical 10 mile trail mix blend of mine. Also I have a fine product called "Just Tomatoes", a mix of freeze dried peas, corn, carrots, tomatoes, and peppers (bell in the mild and jalapeno in the hot: I mix the two varieties to create a mildly hot) which is great in soups or by the handful and a good way to get vitamins while hiking. I added celery, green bells to the red peppers, and also have mushrooms (white and brown), the green beans, and of course, more of the apple chips from the wind storm harvest which should last through June I think. Add them to 19 cent ramen noodles or $1.79 Ready Rice, with whatever else you like- freshly caught fish, or dried venison, or protein candy crappo bars labeled "Meal Replacement Energy" and that's good eating. I have no idea why anyone would pay $6.00 or more for a calorically similar dried meal that takes no less work and tastes no better once they knew how simple and cheap this was. Yes there is the cost of the $70 dehydrator to work off, but I should "turn a profit" (if a penny saved is a penny earned) if my dehydrator, the Nesco American Harvest, lasts more than one year. And that is not accounting my alternative meals at $6.00 per serving, which as an avid hiker, I have never paid. I'd rather starve for two days, and I used to just eat cereal and fresh fruit.

I have no reason to think my American Harvest will not last at least a year -except that after letting my friend and roomate know he could make "SOME" banana chips if he liked, the next day 21 pounds of bananas were on our floor. After a disturbing 7 day binge, 21 more pounds of bananas were on the floor with the promise: "I will make these ones last." 10 days later he asked me to dig out my dehydrator which I had hidden to make "a few more" banana chips before I was out of town. He then after securing the machine, came in with "a few" bananas. I said it looked more like 50 pounds. He said it was actually only 42 pounds. If you are wondering that is about 100 bananas. Which is close to 2,500 grams of sugar (though he still in the same sentence tells me fruit has no sugar because it is full of fructose and badmouths high FRUCTOSE corn syrup, and also says I should stop eating sugar and sweeten things naturally with honey- which is a liquid form of sugar.) As I will have to pay to replace the machine should it break, I told him I was putting it away. So he called his sister to borrow hers which has a 10 year warranty. Mine comes with a 1 year, and I have no reason to suspect the product of defect, but I also cannot anticipate that the motor will run forever. I am quite happy with it and still give it a glowing recommendation. I will try after this spring to only use it with local vegetables. I stored what I could this fall, and finally had to buy non-local potatoes the first week of February after my stash was exhausted. Kiwis of course are never in-season or local, but I only dried 3 of them. And we all have to eat something. If I had an acre I would only eat what I grew, but until then, if I want to eat 3-5 kiwis per year, I'll allow it.

Read More...

Summary only...

Mean Starts With Me

Andrew catches up and explains why he has not been neglecting you, his beloved readers, and why you should never ever piss off a bear...or Andrew.

I can now finally say the $400 words I've been waiting to say for 9 months (the day I bought half price backcountry skiis, boots, and bindings): I am a skiier. It only took that obscene amount of time for more than 3 inches of snow to stick on the town of Bountiful for more than 3 minutes. It was lot of fun, and a lot harder than it seems. That is, after I stopped, that mile really burned- knees, legs, and arms. Great whole body workout because you use poles to propel yourself forward, though for gliding, it sure does feel rough on those knees...now I did go skiing once last year. I drove an hour to a cool flat zone right by a ski resort, the proceeded to land on my face for 2 hours, cursing loud enough (almost) to crack the hard ice I was attempted to ski on. That's a bad idea by the way. Though I did get good in a hurry, because it takes an extreme amount of skill simply to stand in one place on skiis on ice, let alone move or stop. I perfected a perfect high-speed hockey stop too, mere inches from trees at approximately the speed of a jumbo jet trying an emergency landing over the ocean. Plus I saw a fox jump out and run from its burrow in the snice (snowy ice stuff). With more storms due now that winter has finally arrived, late like the last 3 years- which I think now signifies that December is not winter in Utah anymore- and that winter starting in January should now be considered normal, I may get to ski a lot more. We have many trails, so let's hope.

My midnight exercise made me feel better, and not just because no bored Bountiful police officers surrounded me with 5 vehicles, lights blazing, to amuse themselves or tell me about good neighbor curfews. I am still on the mend from some food poisoning or a stomach virus I picked up visiting family in Illinois. I am unwilling to say I ate bad food as it is quite possible I merely ate things I do not normally eat and that made me sick. Three straight meals at restaurants is more than I normally get in a month. Now home and making my own food, I got mostly better quickly, and am getting all better now- I hope. I lost some weight by just not eating. Then today I got so starved suddenly that I started shoveling freshly roasted and still scalding red and purple potato wedges into my mouth with both hands the way Garfield windmills lasagna into his huge wide open mouth in comic strips, which drew mocking from the roomie. Then I went at the peanut butter with a large knife and kept it moving down with whole milk. And was still hungry.

Illinois made me realize a few things: one, restaurants are not healthy or very good. I am a better cook. Two, produce is very sad in the midwest in winter. I had a tomato that made me want to hug the whole state...and the toilet bowl. It was never ripe to start- that was clear even through hollandaise sauce- but travelling 3,000 miles did not help. In Utah, we are spoiled, because out of season produce is not that terrible. Though a better solution is still just to preserve in the fall- which is a Utah custom, I am proud to say. For instance, Teresa's gung ho too young and now a bit bummed her husband goes out with the boys and ditches her with the babies he helped make friend who has probably never been out of Utah (or the county?: another Utah specialty that Mrs Ben Franklin shared hundreds of years ago...) stopped by the roadside and bartered for an entire tree worth of apricots from some amused older people who hated the danged things for being in the way of the lawnmower each August. So she canned a whole tree of them with Teresa's help and took a few jars back over as a present. Third,and lastly, what I learned is that air quality in Utah really is terrible. We have brown air when snow is not falling- another reason to pray for snow. When we do not get regular storms, the pollution thickens. I've been joking with other depressed people at work, after my brown commute (air and mountains and grass) that I was taking a vacation to Beijing so I could get some fresh air. No one laughed. They just kind of made this pained sigh type of sound, like an old car's exhaust pipe as the engine warms up. Chicago has way more people and way less pollution. No one connects their complaints with their actions though. The idea the air might be bad because people idle in their cars for 15 minutes each day or have their heaters turned up to 81 degrees F, or leave on a TV for four hours while in another room...nope. That can't be the problem.

While wrapping up my last post, the lights began to flicker and the windows rattled. I thought nothing of it as I do not watch weather reports, and went to bed. Slept great. Woke up and my panicky roomate was being panicky. So nothing new. But turns out, the whole county was devastated by a massive level 2 dry hump (no rain) hurricane, which caused 20 million in damage, shut down the schools, knocked out power for 36 hours to like 400,000 homes, and blew over several thousand trees. Most of them pines. One lesson is that if you are going to terraform an ugly salt-plain desert, you might not want to put non-native tree species on man-made hills. Those fall down and go boom. Sometimes on houses. More on this later. Another lesson is that Utahnians are pansies of the highest order. There are more emergency essential store chains out here than burger joints. People have years of food in big cans, vats of water, Dr Pepper (all the essentials), and basement shelters, bicycle-powered florescenty lights, all kinds of crap. But one little wind storm makes people hyperventilate, call in the National Guard and boo hoo like a big bunch of diabetic babies. I had great fun with the whole thing. It broke up the routine of life. A new adventure. You don't know how funny life can be until with mountains of free firewood on every corner an old woman is buying a bundle of logs at the grocery store. McDonald's being closed- not an emergency. Your blender not working for a day and a half- not an emergency. Traffic lights blown over- not an emergency! Frustrated and chainsaw-wielding postal maniac just kicked in your door screaming, "you damned butterballs! Emergency this!" - that's an emergency. Final lesson: don't piss off Andrew. I have powers. I've mentioned them before. Magical powers. I'm what you might call a real bona-fidey warlock. You make me mad, I'll cut you. Or you'll sprain your ankle, break up with your long-term significant other, have a rock crack your radiator from a strange bounce off the road, or your entire country will be leveled by an 7.9 earthquake 30 minutes after my plane takes off- the last plane to leave the country for 3 days, might I add, Peru? Remember me down there? I bet you do. Don't mess with Andrew. Mean starts with- well you probably read the title.

Teresa also invited this windstorm by mocking it on facebook. People, this is an important message: God hates Facebook. He's on there all the time, wishing He wasn't. So don't provoke him by saying the promised windstorm will be puny like last year's fake blizzard that the forecasters promised days after the economic boom from flu shots fell through because nobody got extra flu shots when the news told them they'd better. Or your 85 year old apple tree planted by your grandma (maybe) will fall onto your carport, ripping it away from the house and down onto your cars, tearing the siding away from your room, leaving you cold and scared, and blaming Andrew and his powers for tempting Heaven.

The only bright side to that story is that due to the late (correction: typical) onset of winter, which became lingering summer snow, and then a late fall, harvest, and November apples still just ripening, your attractive and awesome boyfriend will get to harvest 75 pounds or so of apples and preserve them...the modern way...with a home dehydrator. Now it took me 10 days of cheapness and indecision to whittle my options down to the right one, during which time I lost about 15 pounds of apples to rot and mealiness. Apple pudding at the bottom of the bags anyone? Put on gloves before you reach in...really. So to save you all that time, I will now present some simple reviews:

According to the internet, and Google in particular, the Excalibur dehydrator is the best one ever invented and can outfly many modern flying saucers. Do not believe this. An astute researcher knows companies can simply register their website in ways that light Google up like a Christmas tree when people enter certain terms. Excalibur is good at this. I know not because I ordered one to test it ($200 and its made of plastic?) but because I read every consumer review on large corporate websites I could find. Don't trust vegans, they are used to eating unpleasant food so they are impressed by anything awful after a while- also, mom and pop organic stores can be bribed. But the general opinion of non-bribed people seemed to be that Excalibur builds a completely adequate product. But that is costs $200 and is made of plastic! Avoid too the several super cheap plastic models you can find out there without temperature settings, dials, and so on. Now I am the man who when shopping for a blender wondered why I could not find a single speed blender (think about it now: why do you need 17 speeds? All you need is the top speed- it encompasses everything else by definition; you can't go 99 miles an hour without going 66 miles an hour, can you?), and I do not think you need a timer to tell you when your apples have been drying 10 hours. Poke them. If they're done, they're done. But you will want to be able to control temperature, because jerkey needs to be done at 150+ degrees and that temp will light a leaf of basil on fire. If you want to be cheap, the only good option is the sun. Its free. The cons are that you need a sunroom or large windows, lots of space, your food is exposed to air and will take much longer to dry, and some foods never will. Also avoid any fan on bottom unit- any drip will get in there, overheat it, clog it, or smell bad at least.

So the winner is: Nesco brand. They make basic, simple, affordable plastic round models with a charming design: a base that is just thin plastic, and a top that is a fan and heater with 5 settings for: herbs, crafts, nuts/seeds, fruit/vegetable, and meat/jerkey. Easy right? Not even an on-off switch. Its plugged in or not. You stack it like a sandwhich: 2-8 trays on my model, 2-20 on some (though the trays will be thinner and not hold as thick of items). My model is "American Harvest". It cost me $70. The best seller is "Garden Master" but I prefer mine, for the thicker trays. You get a fruit leather tray, an instruction and recipe book, and several packs of seasonings. Best of all, if it breaks, and the chances are slight as the heater is in top, then you are only out $70. You can run through 3 of these before you will regret not having an Excalibur with its 10 year warranty.

So how does it work? Adequately. But at least I'm not out $200 to learn that. I've done apple slices, banana slices, cranberries, mushrooms, peppers, strawberries, and maybe a few other things I am forgetting. Flavors really do not mix. That is, you can do a mix of different items and they will not taste like one another. This is surprising as walking into an apartment with a load of jalapeno peppers drying will make your eyes water. There is nothing more delicious than the smell of warm apples. I miss it- though not chopping all those mealy bruised windfall terror apples. I am still eating bags of these slices and they are delicious. Much more flavorful than store-bought. And without preservatives. You can throw any dried food in the freezer and it does not get freezer burn or go bad (for all intents and purposes: I suppose on a long enough time line they would). Banana chips have addicted my roomie. He just plowed through 10 pounds of bananas (wet) in one week! That's disgusting, but if I were Nesco, I'd want him on my commercial. He had such a hang dog expression today asking if he could make some more and promising to make them last. At Costco, the store of the large portion size, the cashiers teased him about having a pet monkey because he was buying so many bushels of bananas. Now he's their hero because he explained about the drying process and how much he is saving. Which is true. 3 pounds of bananas cost $1.39 out here at Costco and turn into one quart of dried chips which would sell for about $5 at a health food store. And home made are much more flavorful. Teresa is all about apple chips now and she hates dried apples. Ours are just mouth watering. If I go more than one day without eating one, the next slice I eat makes my eyes go wide every time. So its been nice not to miss apples like I thought I would. Strawberries come out chalky and flavorless. Craisins do not turn out like they do in the store. Sour, crunchy, and pointless. They take 20 hours to finish! Dried mushrooms do not rehydrate so well. I've been putting them on pizzas and they taste good, but are more like gummy mushrooms.

Our electric bill did not jump at all, which is a relief. Apples or bananas take 10 hours, so I thought it would be a disaster power-wise. But no, it seems to be pretty efficient. Though the machine does put out a lot of heat, in our apartment it puts out enough to warm the place so that the furnace does not run at all, and its a net wash. As mentioned, the smell of apples is delicious and a real plus. You'll have to decide merits for yourself. It does use power, and there is something unspeakably vulgar to me about a man sitting on the couch eating piles of banana chips he just dried himself (number 1 they are a convenience food- like you take them on a road trip, and 2; why not just eat the bananas and save the world a bit?- also they come from Brazil to begin with, so bananas are not an environmental friendly choice and there is no such thing as "in season" or "local" to warrant preserving them at all) . As an aside, did you know the first boatloads of bananas to New York couldn't be given away? Carmen Miranda was hired to do banana propoganda radio spots with Bob Hope and to sing in her charming accent about how tasty bananas were and how healthy and then Bob Hope explained banana basics, like what color they should be and why they were delicious. I also have a vintage novelty song named "Bananas have no Bones" from the 1940s that sneakily explains to you why peaches and ham stink compared with bananas (they have stones and bones). I am sure this band was compensated handsomely for writing this song. Now, back to drying: foods have more flavor when dried, apple chips are even better than apples which are even more effective than toothbrushes at cleaning your teeth, and on my coming trip to Arizona for 2 weeks, I look forward to eating very healthy for very little money, with food I can trust not to make me sick.

Sorry to take so long since my last post. Hope you aren't too upset with me. If you are, then I've got a present just for you to make it all better... or fall down and go boom. Its a bright shiny, brand spanking new... Tornado!

Read More...

Summary only...

100 % All Rational (Even in this Economy)

Andrew answers the really tough and important questions, from the really tough and important fans. And he does it without any crazy fake numbers like the square root of negative 2.

Well bear with me for one sentence until I've worked in our quota of "even in this economy" phrases (there we go), as just mandated by act of Congress, and then I can get down to answering real questions that are really real and really questions from actual fans of this blog. Even in this economy. (Uh oh, its becoming a habit.)

What's the big deal with this Utah mayor who wrote fake letters to himself and then answered what a great job he was doing? His PR people suck. Why didn't he just say Ben Franklin did it? Did you know Ben Franklin wrote many of the letters to his Pennsylvania Gazette under names like Prudence Do-Good, Anthony After-Wit, and Amanda Adder-Tongue?
-Daniella, Toole, UT

Yes, I did know that. Fraud in journalism is a long and proud American tradition, right up there with reporting fraud through journalism. But I'm not sure why you're asking me this. Even in this economy.

How could Ben Franklin want the turkey to America's official animal? Those lazy things can barely walk and are so stupid, there is a whole phrase- don't be a turkey.
-Clovis, Ireland

Hey, don't sleep on the turkey. Those buggers used to be quite clever and agile for fat flightless birds, certainly they were more of a killer Monty Python rabbit than the common quail ever was. Haven't you ever seen the Looney Tunes turkey? Animals are vicious. If they get half the chance they will certainly shove a load of TNT down your pants and then ride a rocket beside you while taunting you with cool water...but remember Ben Franklin was a wry humorist. He was, if you really want to know, because I'm a reverse psychic and know all about the past, poking a little fun at some of his contemporaries for being more pot-bellied than the stove that bears that name.

And the turkey, it turns out, would have been the perfect choice for today's America. They are lazy, can barely walk, are morbidly obese, and smell bad. Okay, the last one was a stretch. No culture has ever been so obsessively over-clean. And the next time someone from PETA tells you how turkeys are sad because they are so over-fed they can hardly walk without breaking a leg, just sweep your arm to take in the whole of whatever street you are on, and say, and are all these people being forced to overeat? The turkey is probably proud of his girth. The animal brain covets salt, fat, and sugar. A child is a sucker for the stuff, and even as an adult, knowing you are being manipulated with most of the food out there, it still takes a lot of work to break those habits and get over the taste and smell of dripping pizza covered with churros (okay that was just in a dream of mine last night- but it does sound good doesn't it?). This is me being more understanding than usual, I know. It won't last. But in America where we have gollum anorexic actresses staying thin for the whole of us (women are secretly relieved these days if a man gets a celebrity crush for the same reason men have always been; they can pig out and during "relations", with the lights off, your partner can simply close their eyes and see that poster they love), 2/3 of people are still fat enough to disgust me, if not themselves. We don't have enough attractive people left to shame these tubbs into thinning down for their own good. They're here to stay, until the next food shortage, then well they're going to have a hard time. (You might think I and the thinnies would starve sooner, but I disagree; we'll be raiding, looting, hunting, and breaking and entering, using our athleticism to prey the way a snake does while all the chubbos are hiding in the basements like freightened, soft, delicious bunnies.) The fat population is being enabled, and getting bolder all the time. Pretty soon they'll figure out they can control the legislature, and then you'll see only big men getting elected. And brocolli taxes will abound. Luckily we have this obsessive shallow society to keep things in check. But turkeys have no such culture of shame, abuse, hypocrisy, or anything else. They simply feel satisfied in their puny birdish souls, thinking, I am big and beautiful, and I'm winning at life. No famine's ever gonna slow me down. I'm practically invincible. Not like these boney humans. Never figure this thing out. Always giving food away. Suckers. They'll never survive at this rate. And now wasting so much energy. Sharpening that axe, like he was actually gonna swing it, ha ha...

And what's will all the Ben Franklin questions?

Aren't you going to get in trouble for always bad mouthing the Post Office? Aren't you ashamed? They pay you. P.S. Did you know Ben Franklin discovered the Atlantic Current while travelling between England and America as the Post Master General?
-Katie, Kimball, TX

Yes and no. I won't get into trouble. As long as I remind you that all of my opinions are soley mine, and I just happen to be a postal employee. No statements, opinions, or recommendations about cheese, beer, or organic meats come from, or reflect in any way, official, or general Postal Policy, feeling, thought, or tradition. (The Post Office has none of the above. Ha ha, kidding- that is only my opinion about them, not theirs about themselves.) Yes I knew that about Ben Franklin. Is there a convention on right now?

I've only been buying food that says 100% natural on the label, so I'm eating healthy right?
-Chris, Portland, OR

Well, I hate to confuse you further, but probably not. I try to avoid foods that have that label, and I can tell you why with the following thought experiment: You are at a social gathering, talking with a beautiful girl/boy whom you are interested in, and then that interesting, attractive, completely sane-seeming person says in their top flirty voice, while leaning into you lustily, "I'm 100 % all girl/boy, if you know what I mean." What do you do?

I know exactly what I would do. Say, "I know just what you mean." Then nod suggestively. Then laugh heartily. Then wink, and excuse myself to go to the bathroom, which hopefully would have a window I could crawl out of to flee home because I would have no idea what she meant, but it would be ominous enough for me to decide to go back to looking for love the only reliable, dignified, civilized way: reading the personal ads of crazy people and practical jokesters on Craigslist, and maybe even posting my own with a headline like, "Must hate TV, glazed doughnuts, and sex change operations."

Frankly, if a food feels the need to poke me in the chest and say, hey bub, I'm food, then there's already too much doubt in that situation. I will say however, you are eating healthier than you would be buying foods that carried the label 88% all natural, if such a thing exists. What's next: 100% matter: Here at Giant Evil Polluting Corporation that Hires Illegal Immigrants Farms, we don't use cheap fillers or flavors or anti-matters, the way some other leading brands do, but adhere to strict quality guidelines using only the best real and measurable ingredients that obey the properties of Newtonian mechanics because we love you, the consumer... even in this economy.

Did you see this article about Chik-fil-A suing a man for stealing their "intellectual property" by using the phrase "eat more kale"?
-Xiops, Egypt, ID

That was the most disturbing story I read recently, other than the headline, "Norwegian serial killer found insane- unfit for prison." If killing 77 people can't get you into jail, then Western Civilization has failed. No more insanity defenses, unless we're going to let the psychologists free. Then there won't be any more phonies free-riding on easy street after their little spree- shopping, or murder. Ever read a book about early experiments? On animals. Babies. Here is a tidbit from Watson, the father of behaviorism, and his work with infants: Even at a few weeks old, babies will learn to stop reaching for items that cause pain such as a lit candle after 3 or 4 attempts. Um? I don't know what to say about that. Also Watson convinced everyone in America for 20 years that mothers were uneccessary because babies have no emotions or intelligence. Orphanages modeled themselves after this guy's ideas and all the kids died of lethargic, lonely comas. How about Landis's work with dogs: he severed the spinal connections to the brain in several dogs, then gave them nothing to eat except slaughtered dogs, and concluded that since the dogs still showed emotional distress at being offered only other dogs to eat, the emotions could not lie in the body but had to exist in the brain. Well you can't spell psychologist without psycho. Why do countries even torture anyone and risk U.N. Sanctions? Just make sure the state university has a well-funded pyschology program and that all of its professors have really really emphasized tenure. Let em loose. Send them anyone who annoys you. You won't see any political opponents come out alive again. Hey it protects the kids of these doctors too. You don't want a bored psychologist going home to play catch with his kids. Thinking of good experiments while stuck in rush hour...if only he had the subjects to try them on...

Oh yeah, Chik-fil-A- this guy is a patriot to fight back. Also cunning because he got in the paper and his actual company is lame. Apparently 30 companies surrendered at the slightest pressure and threat of bankrupting legal fees and stopped using the phrase "eat more" blank. Cowards! I don't think this fellow's PR people are good enough though, either. I would be really bold. I would go right at Chik-fil-A: the words "eat more" are not your or anyone else's property. Let this crap stand and Donald Trump will put a patent claim on the word "was" or the letter "e", and then where will we be? Also, "eat more chiken" is not intelligent. Its a bad and vaguely offensive ad campaign. I am a little uncomfortable with it, though I can't say why. Its hardly clever and the only thing worse than the "eat more chiken" commercials is the actual food they are promoting. I have some words for everyone in America, a free country: eat more everything but Chik-fil-A. They're evil and ridiculous. But hey at least they're closed Sundays so the minimum-wage workers they subjugate can go to their poor people churches for an hour and forget how crummy their life is, and how their clothes all reek of deep fried pickles even after a wash.

Have you ever seen the movie Soylent Green? Are we going to end up eating each other?
-Chris L (that kid who could put himself into a pretzel while sitting in his chair when the substitute teacher turned around but got more and more shy about this as I started noticing girls and realized they just thought I was a puny freak), Cary, IL

Probably. Because no congressmen has the stones to tell everyone, hey America, none of you are worth 1.2 million dollars, sorry. Its a fact. We don't spend that much on our soldiers, and we sure aren't going to spend it on you. So you'll just have to die of cancer. Yes I know you don't want to. Yes I understand you've been watching TV and eating frozen dinners the past 31 years and only just now discovered how much there is you haven't done and now won't have time to do, and that you want to live, really live. But actually that isn't helping your case. No its doing the exact opposite. I can tell you weren't on the debate team, America. That's why you're out there, and I'm up here at this podium...

Oh its an election year? Again? Man I hate this stinking country- I mean, more health care for all! Yeah America! You're all super!

We're in a war to the death with death. And especially cancer. This insidious foe is attacking our children, our old people, our serial killers on death row! It never sleeps. We need to stamp out dying, in all its hateful forms!

Yeah see the problem with Soylent Green is they went to the trouble of this elaborate conspiracy. Now I know governments like to that because bureaucrats have boring jobs and watch a lot of movies and think you know what would be fun...orchestrating a big elaborate cover up! But then the innate laziness takes over...it would be much simpler to simply propogandize cannibalism. Start running some campaigns about how flea-bitten savages in the dark ages were eating beef and didn't know the pleasures of human flesh. It'll catch right on, especially with kids. Buggers put anything in their mouth. Already eat their own boogers...stuff really writes itself. No animal is good enough for us. Look how easily we enslaved the cow, how poor a fight the wild mustang put up, how easy the blue whale was to eradicate even from the deepest and darkest depths! Only man is a worthy meat for man. Just read Leviticus 11:14. We'll all be on board, because there won't be any elbow room at all.

I'd think you were an 80 year old man if you weren't always reminding us all you are in your twenties. You know how people are wise beyond their years? You're cranky beyond yours. Most people slowly build up a list of pet peeves over say 9 decades, but you just grabbed them all at once didn't you?
-Doug, Phoenix, AZ

Why don't you do some complaining about people who rant about technology on their on-line blogs?
-Wayne, British Columbia

Shut-up that's why.

I can count the number of items I've eaten out of a vending machine in my entire life on my fingers! I produce very little trash and buy foods with as little packaging as possible and cook from scratch, and I can't feel my toes right now and can only keep my fingers warm by typing more and more and more because its December 1 and we still have not turned on our furnace. I sleep in just underwear anyway because I am a rugged wolverine-bear-mountain-goat-lion of a man. M.A.N. I aint no mannish boy. I listen to my Muddy Waters straight- no Paul Oakenfold hip-hop beat sped-up remixes. And I can see Russia from my back porch!

Ok. That was fun. Look, technology really makes no difference in our lives. Without reality TV, you would gossip more and peek out your windows at neighbors, praying for a fight. Without a smart phone, you would be unable to text to your idiot friends how bored you are, or ask "dude what's up?" So you would do what our ancestors did, roll your sleeves up, and go find a coworker or friend to tell how bored you are, or ask, "dude what's up?" In short, the only change Iphones have made, is that your life includes a lot more buttons. Anyone who tells you differently, either in a rant or a commercial, is a crackpot, or a sales man. Probably both. You aren't any happier or sadder than you would be without electronics, despite what you think. You really could live without that phone. In fact, your malleable, sheepish persona would adjust within 10 minutes if the grid went down for everyone at once. You could all complain about cell phone companies together. Doesn't that sound? Around a campfire? I bet it does. I have no reason to despise Iphones except that they are pointless, trendy, expensive, annoying, and that Steve Jobs did not make the world a better place. It does you no good to be able to listen to any song you want instantly any time any place. The soul needs some down time, if we're going to build things like subways we should have to listen to their rumblings as punishment, and also most of the songs you like are bad.

So I apologize to anyone I might have offended. Even though anyone who got offended is clearly too touchy and should work on that, and is a big baby, and also insulted my mother- probably. I can't be sure, because I don't have a smart phone and I'm not connected to all the mainstream chat lines and feeds to check. So I'll just have to assume. You jerks. Please know that I am not advocating that you leave your phone off six days a week like I do, or that you become a fusspot who won't sit in a room with a TV that is turned on like I have started working into my personality (disorder), or that you go and talk to your neighbor about inane and empty things. No, I'm a big believer in solitary confinement. Sometimes I think of committing terrible crimes just so I can get sent to a prison and thrown into solitary confinement. All of my fantasies about getting rich start off with me going to my high school reunion to walk up to various former cheerleaders and say, oh hey, aren't you- and didn't you once not go on a date with me- well I'm rich you- so there! But they quickly advance to the part where five seconds after I am rich I take a vow of silence, then go buy a cabin in the only forest left (and by forest I mean tree) in Utah, with no power and no running water, and sit there shivering through a cold winter laughing to myself creepily that no one knows where I am. If I ever run for president, it will be on a strong anti-neighbor agenda. And my number one policy will be to launch some Soylent Green factories to cut down on the dangerous overpopulation of neighbors preying upon our (your) children.

I'm dating a fan of the Steelers, Lakers and the Yankees, and some of my guy friends said I must have found a real jerk, but he's sensitive and a great guy. Are they just jealous? (I don't even care about sports but it seems to me only an idiot would cheer for bad teams. Shouldn't you want to cheer for winners? I just think this means I've found a man whose practical and has common sense.)
-Joana, Detroit, MI

Your friends could be jealous. I'll need you to send me some pictures to let you know with any kind of certainty. Until they arrive, I will say, that your guy friends are also right. I've never met this guy before and don't know him, but he's obviously a terrible human being. Love cannot exist with sports bigamists, or in places like Florida, where the weather is famously almost always nice. Ever hear of fair-weather fans? People move to warm climates so they don't have to deal with snow. They won't go watch a bad team play any sport and will turn on any team when it starts to hit the skids. A sports bigamist is worse, because he not only turns on a team as it ages or struggles through injuries, but he switches allegiances so he always has a winner to be on the bandwagon with. He doesn't just tune off, he actively cheats on his chosen favorite team. Do you really think a person who packs up and ditches their traditional familial turf because they hate shoveling snow is going to be there for you when you've got a cold? Or that a sports bigamist who says he likes successful, well-run franchises (the typical defense) is going to grind out the tough times with you? As long as you stay cute and the money is there, he'll be that great guy. But first wrinkle, complaint, sniffle, or crying kid, and whoosh, he'll be long gone, telling all his beer buddies what a horrible wife you were and eye-ing someone younger, thinner, and bubblier. You ladies don't think sports "translate" into every day life, but what they say about how a man treats his mother is how he'll treat his wife (and your kids), is true of sports too: know what kind of fan a man is, and you know what kind of partner he'll make. The more jerseys...the more affairs, and if he can't support a team he grew up with when it has some rough patches, do you really think he'll love a son unconditionally who isn't a star on the soccer team? Check. Mate. More men should have interventions to spread the word to their naive female friends in need. Sports bigamists are evil. Don't mate with them. And our next public service announcement not about food is...

Are you going to check in on this Penn State sex scandal like everyone else who isn't qualified to write about it?
-Ryan, College Town, PA

Thanks for the invite. That surely can't have been sarcasm. Yes, yes I am. First, its not a Penn State scandal. Its just a large and disturbing and sad sex scandal that happens to involve Penn State in one instance, out of many. Penn State should not really even be the story, but they seem to be taking more blame than the guy who was you know actually doing the raping, and also the university is standing in for the town on the whole, which is understandable, and defensible, as the town only exists because of the university and none of the townies have any sort of actual life and just live vicariously by screaming at the football team 12 Saturdays per year. The scoreboard provides joy and shame equivalencies: 48-12 win=getting married, 35-27 in double overtime= 1st time parents after a long and grueling labor, 21-20 loss on a missed extra point as time expires= divorce, or your father just died. So you can imagine the trauma of finding out all those old memories are tainted. And its being reported on sports pages like its a sports story. Its not a sports story. Selling it like a sports story with the morale: college football is evil, or: that we need to stop hero-worshipping athletes and sports figures, is crap. To do that means we are still doing it- I mean villainizing a football coach and saying, he should have stopped this...please. He's the only person who could have stopped it? An old, half-blind football coach? Or his boss? Not the local police? Anyone working at the charity where much of this happened? Someone in the accused's family? A parent? A neighbor? No one in the entire town, a small town, ever had any reason to be suspicious over all the years? The whole city is turning on the man they've been idolizing and now are throwing eggs at him, tearing him down- the polar opposite of idolizing. But its equal in magnitude. It means they're still idolizing him, now ascribing him powers of evil he doesn't deserve. And they think they've learned their lesson?

We're taking the wrong lessons from this, that's the lesson I'm taking from this. A truer lesson is that there is no such thing as a perfect little town or a safe haven where bad things don't happen. The people in that community watched evil news stories that were sad and tragic and thought, thank God we don't live there. That sort of thing will never happen to here. And people all over the country are watching this tragic and sad story and thinking, thank God we don't live there! They thought it couldn't happen to them, but they were wrong. Blind. But that sort of thing will never happen here. And they may be wrong too. A feeling of complacency, of safety, allows this sort of thing to happen maybe, but its still better than rampant fear and paranoia, and never letting your kids out of your sight. You have to be dilligent, and still, bad things may happen. It doesn't mean Catholicism is evil or college football is evil or Joe Paterno was just a lesser Hitler this whole time. Closing stories off, quarantining them, is too easy. Its cheap and its dangerous. But the idea that bad things happen and maybe no one can prevent them, or know about them until afterwards, is much less comforting isn't it? We want clear-cut morals to stories. So we can wipe our hands, forget about them, thinking, well that was bad, but it won't happen again. We've learned. Someday a person may come to you and say they just saw someone you know and trust doing something awful. And your first reaction will probably be, that can't be true. And your second reaction will be, That CAN'T be true! You won't want to believe it, you won't be able to believe it, and hopefully it won't be true, but remember to check into it anyway, though no one is guilty until proven so. Joe Paterno, I'll remember you fondly. Sincerely, that one guy not stoning you.

How often do you go to the grocery store?
-Talia, Laramie, WY

Well, I've been practicing not going to the grocery store lately. Whenever I think I am out of food and have nothing to eat, instead of going to the store like I used to, then coming home, and realizing as I move things around on the shelves to make room for the new goodies, that I already had a lot of this stuff and had just forgotten...I just don't go to the store. I make myself get creative for a few days. Bake a pizza with whatever you have on hand, make a quiche or cassarole or stir fry with whatever limp veggies are around. Poke into every corner of the freezer and fridge. Its a good way to become more resourceful, save some money, clean up your storage spaces, and pretend you live in a society where you have to rough it, just a bit. This week though I wimped out and rushed right to the store because I ran out of toilet paper. I admit it, I just haven't learned to live without that stuff yet. I'm addicted to it.

And finally...

Who is going to be our next president?
-Rupert Murdoch, FOX NEWS

Of the PTA? Oh you mean of the USA. Right. Forgot about that. Hardly hear a word about it.

Tina Fey. I know you weren't expecting that, but I will tell you how it shall come to pass: Listening to Newt Gingrich and biting their fingernails clean off at the thought of running a Mormon against a ni-nevermind, the old creepy racists who control Republicanism, will go and beg Sarah Palin to run so they don't have to run Mit Romney. Even though she's a chick, and an idiot. Then everyone will start to snicker thinking about what a good impression Tina Fey does, and how eager Tina Fey must be for Palin to run, so she can start impersonating her and make a million dollars. Then they all realize Tina Fey is a better Sarah Palin than Sarah Palin ever was- slightly funnier, and also, a little younger and cuter and with more policy ideas. So they decide to put her on the ticket as the VP, then just beg her to run instead- as Sarah Palin and leave the unreliable real Sarah Palin and all of her many ghost writers out of the whole deal. Its really the most likely scenario.

I am pro-Palin too, if she runs. Let's all hope she does. I am so tired of this pussy-footing, dip a toe in slow armageddon, and with loud-mouth idiots with shrill voices, bickering back and forth. Let's get this thing over with already! No presidential hopeful could make armageddon funnier than Sarah Palin. I've talked myself into bemused incredulity for 3 years since the menace first showed its face- like that teaser episode with the Borg on Star Trek the Next Generation where the last line was Guinan saying "be sure of this...they are coming." Man they don't make armaggedons like they used to. I like mine like a bandaid: right off! Go crazy, get freaky, have an orgy, raze the city of Tripoli, whatever. I just can't take the slow agony of any more molasses dripping from the stalactite slow armaggedoning. Let's do this thing and do it right. I'm still a young, strong, amoral, fit, fast, vicious, testosterone-fueled, ambitious male. But I am at the peak of my prime. If there's going to be a collapse to all of established Western society, it could not come at a better time for me. I'm losing a step America. Getting long in the tooth. I can't climb mountains like I used to, and I'm losing my edge. In 5 years I won't have nearly as much potential as a brutal gang leader or Robin Hood (style) highwayman. Let's do this thing now. Don't make me wait!

Fine you don't want to. Well, of course it won't matter who wins. I doubt any economy can work when 2 out of 3 people are in bad health, everyone wants white collar work supervising several of their lazy peers, and every single person has both a degree and the debt that usually comes with it. Everyone having a degree means the same thing as no one having a degree, just if no one was 4 years older, and a lot poorer. The universities are counting on this. Also none of grows our own food, and traditionally like what 70% of people on this earth grew their own food or more than their own share of food. So a lot more people are useless and looking for something to kill time doing. We can't all write software for the three companies left in existence can we?

And I am assuming Tina Fey would want to take a massive pay cut from being a comedian to become president, or would want to risk trying to get laughs in the much harder world of the Republican debate circuit, where every policy spouted by Herman Cain or Michelle Bachman could potently lead to explosive unstoppable hysterics (Oh RIP Whitey, we hardly knew ye. Will I ever live to see an election peopled by mildly mannered, mildly wealthy, white oldish men again? I miss those days. Oh wait, no I don't). I am also, alas, excluding the possibility of a Google Party candidate, or a Facebook Party candidate, or even the Walmart Party candidate. All of whom will be coming to your election in the year 2016, by the way, and that should spice things up a little. For now you are stuck with just the old Republicans and Democrats, who are really pretty similar tools in the hands of bloated, corrupt, international corporations holding America and every other nation hostage. When that corporation wants to deny a problem, they pull out a Republican who harangues on cew: "Global warming does not exist. My great grandpappy's grandpappy's grandpappy was there when the Glaciers attacked in the last great ice age. It was terrible! Frostbite everywhere. They came at our women! They came at our children! If a mother put her baby down near a glacier to pick chestnuts, the glacier would pounce with slow, methodical malevolence. And before that baby could turn 25, it had swallowed him whole! An "Encino Man" if you will. The glaciers devoured our territories ruthlessly. There was no turning them back. They came on and on, arrows bounced right off them. An inch this year, 2 inches the next. Until they had conquered the whole of the Earth! Do you want your children to be slaves to ice? Always cold? And shivering and you powerless to save them? Because if you think those glaciers have me fooled with their humble-pie act, you're a damned dirty communist ape! I will not rest. I am watching these glaciers! And also the Mexicans." And if they want to appease some protestors to make them go away they unsheath a Democrat who says forcefully, "You activists are the life-blood of the future, you are the jedi knights of change. We have heard your powerful, yet supple, melodious chanting voices. We admit, you are stronger than us, smarter than us, and gosh darn it, we just like you. Also you are much more beautiful than any of us. So we give in," then they announce some half-ass change that does more harm than good, because all the do-gooders wipe their hands and say, "we showed them. Problem solved." And they move on to their next cause assuming someone else will carry on the fight they didn't want to last past their coffee/commercial break anymore than their target did.

So trust this hearty reader, have no fear, no anxiety. Don't stress about voting for the right person. The winner of the next election, whoever he, or she, is will have no impact on climate change or the world in general. And am I still the only one who thinks there had to be some con job in getting Obama elected? The cynic in me was certain no black man could get elected and that John McCain would sneak out with a horrifying last second victory when millions of voters suddenly realized with cold sudden and final clarity: wait a second! This O'bama really is a ni-nevermind. But he won. At the worst possible time. His detractors are more vocal than ever but still offer no policy ideas of their own that could actually work. And the sheer zaniness the Republicans are spraying the field with tells me: they have no idea at all what they are going to do if they win this election, and might actually be better off throwing it. You can't lose, if you don't play. And I just can't shake that nagging feeling that some powerful racists thought, hey, if we let a black or a woman win now, they'll look so bad we'll never have to worry about another one becoming president...before the world ends in 50 years, muah hah hah hah hah! Am I a cynic?

Well, here is some cheer for you; a happy ending to global warming. Our increasing pollution causes ever more deadly natural disasters, including, a massive volcano, which will spit so much ash into the air that the sun will be blocked out and the temperature of the earth reduced to that of 1964, at which point all the Republicans and Muslim fundamentalists will join hands and sing songs of peace and love, shouting "thank the Lord that the Lord taught us to build combustion engines and lightweight polymers useful as stretchy grocery bags at just the perfect moment so we could start polluting and raise the temperature just enough to keep us from falling into another ice age when that volcano exploded, so we could defeat our true enemy and the friend of Satan: glaciers!" Though the celebration will be short-lived, as with all that ash up there the smoke from factories will have no place to go and we'll all be sick to our stomachs from black air almost immediately. And we all live happily ever after, but you know, the not very long kind of ever, because we'll all get lung cancer.

Well until next time, happy holidays!!! Get in the spirit. Send 50,000 letters and buy lots of forever stamps because the postage rates are going up in January and the Post Office needs money (to keep paying me) now! Though that's only my opinion, not the Post Office's. They do not care if you send letters or buy postage.

Read More...

Summary only...